I have an odd relationship with Facebook.  Maybe you do, too.  I think it must be a lot like my parents’ relationship with each other.  They loved each other AND irritated the piss out of each other.  There was evidence of both almost every day.  Practically daily, there would be a point where they both wanted to leave and never come back.  This was followed by a palpable yearning when the other was gone.  They were Abbott and Costello, Martin and Lewis, Ren and Stimpy (insert a more recent odd couple if you are under 40 years old).  I swear it was like an addiction.

I bring this up because recently I have considered breaking up with Facebook.  Oh sure, there are the usual reasons…politics, religion, drama…but I can’t seem to leave this avenue for keeping in touch with fringe friends.  There are few more comfortable ways for introverts to stay in touch with their network than to lurk on social media without having to have an actual conversation.  However, Facebook has recently engaged in some low blows to my happiness; an unwelcome assault on my bliss; a harshing of my mellow.  The weapon?  It is the random glance into my past.  If you are on Facebook, you have probably received one of these uninvited posts.  It may be a picture from one, two, three years ago.  It could be a synopsis of your year.  It could be your most “liked” photos.  Regardless, it is Facebook’s way of making you remember a moment in time that has passed.

Now, on the surface, one would think that this harmless bit of reminiscing would be a nice thing.  How could remembering a pleasant memory make you less happy?  And maybe, for you, it does enhance your mood.  But I can’t help but think how reminiscing usually works.

“Bob, remember that time when we were younger, better looking, more athletic, skinnier, and doing something really cool?”

“Why yes, I do, Stanley.  Gosh those were the days, huh?  We were amazing then.”

<SIGH>

Somehow those pictures of great moments in our lives, unexpectedly thrust in front of us by Mark Zuckerberg, remind us of a better day than today.  And the net result can be a bummer.

Fact is, your memories are a lie.  Okay, that may be strong, but it is important to have some perspective about those moments.  First, we tend to romanticize these events.  We exaggerate how fantastic they were, choosing to remember the best part and forgetting the mundane or even negative details.  Weddings are a great example.  The photos indicate it was a beautiful day, filled with elation.  The reality for most is the day is a chaotic mess of stress and near catastrophes punctuated with bouts of doubt and considerations of the gravity of your decisions.  Chances are you wanted to cry out of fear and frustration as much or more than out of joy.  If you look ecstatic through the camera lens, it is more likely due to the fact you realize that all the event planning, bickering, and duress is almost over.  But, the photos rock.  Everyone looks fabulous.

Second, there is what I call the “mandatory happiness” of some iconic events.  Remembering holidays past is almost always framed as a “wonderful memory” despite the nearly universal friction that exists in families.  Birth of a child, that one often comes with the tagline, “greatest day of my life.”  What?  I remember my lovely bride enduring the most searing pain of her life while I stood there with a cup of ice chips and a dumbfounded expression on my face.  I wanted the doctor to yank that screaming little alien out of her body as fast as possible.  I do not once remember saying to Lori that this was “the best day of our lives.”  She would have stabbed me in the neck with the epidural needle.

Before you label me as a colossal buzz kill, let me be clear. Favorite memories are a beautiful thing.  In fact, we all should have as many as possible.  So, get going and make some new ones.  That is where your happiness lies, in the creation of NEW memories.  Those old ones are great and all, but living in the past won’t make you happy.  In fact, living in the past will make you unhappy as you convince yourself that what is behind you is so much better than what lies ahead.  So, Facebook, stop telling me what I have done, where I have been, who I was with.  I am too busy planning what I am going to do, where I am going to go, and who I am going to meet.